


Loser

by teleen



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Introspection, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-17
Updated: 2013-12-17
Packaged: 2018-01-04 22:43:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1086525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teleen/pseuds/teleen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was born a loser...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loser

He was born a loser, his dad had told him so often while he was growing up and he’d always believed it. 

He wasn’t sure how he’d ever wound up working for Torchwood, but somehow, it fit.

Torchwood gave him a reason to believe that he might not be a loser after all. 

Lisa had given him another. 

At Canary Wharf, it didn’t matter if he was a loser or not, all that mattered was that he survive and make sure that Lisa did the same.  Somehow, they made it out, even when so many others that the world would call ‘winners’ did not.

It didn’t matter, though.

In the end, he was a loser again and two innocent people died because of him.

He waited for death or retcon, but more likely death.

Jack didn’t kill him or take his memories.  He watched him clean up the mess that had been the woman he loved, then took him home and watched him clean himself up as well. 

While he was in the shower, Jack cooked.  Ianto never remembered later what they ate, only that Jack had stood in his kitchen and cooked for him and later had very gently encouraged him to eat.

Ianto was a bit surprised at the gentle treatment, but said nothing.  As Jack was leaving, he told Ianto that he’d be off work for a month with no pay and at the end of it he’d better be ready to come back.

Ianto blinked at him and finally nodded, since Jack seemed to be expecting some response, then locked the door behind the man he’d lied to and betrayed and began to wonder how to go about killing himself.

He was still thinking about it when Jack returned the next day and found Ianto pretty much where he’d left him.

He got him up, led him to the shower and cooked again. 

Then they went for a walk.

Jack talked.

Ianto listened despite himself, despite the voice in his head that was telling him that what he’d done was unforgiveable, that it was just one more way that he was a loser, that he’d be a loser forever.

Ianto listened to Jack’s voice instead.  Jack’s voice telling him that what he’d done was bad, very bad, but that there were worse things than to do all of it for love. 

Jack even spoke of blaming himself, saying that he should have done more to help after Canary Wharf.  If he had, Jack argued, Lisa wouldn’t have suffered so long and those two people would still be alive.

Blaming Jack would have been the easy way out and when Ianto said as much, Jack smiled, touched him on the shoulder, and led him home.

He decided not to kill himself, figuring that Torchwood would do it for him eventually.

Jack didn’t come every day, or even every other day, but every now and then during his suspension, he’d show up and cook.  Ianto made sure that the pantry was always stocked with the oddest things he could think of, just to see what Jack would make of them.

Going back to work was a challenge, but he managed, and as the months passed he began to realize that what he did for Torchwood was the best thing he could have done with his life. 

If Lisa had lived and they’d had the children they’d always talked about, it might have been different, but in the absence of that, being married to Torchwood wouldn’t be so bad.

And through it all, in his way, Jack was there.  Through it all, Jack never called him a loser and while he certainly never called him a winner, either, more and more Ianto started to feel less like the loser he’d always been and more like he was truly a part of something.

His dad wouldn’t have agreed, Ianto was sure.  After a longer while, it didn’t matter.

Even if somehow he was still a loser, it was better to be a loser saving the world than a winner doing pretty much anything else.

It wasn’t a lot, but it was enough.

 


End file.
